Ringing in the new year with a lap...

Although I'd rather not be in surgery on New Years Eve, I'm so happy that my Ob/gyn was able to schedule me before the new year. I feel like this entire year has been a waiting game... waiting to be referred to an RE, waiting on my dh's insurance because I lost my job, waiting for an appointment with a new RE because our old RE didn't accept our new insurance, and then waiting on a cyst that didn't budge after 3 months of bcps. I'm so tired of waiting, that when my ob/gyn said he had Dec. 31st available, I jumped at the opportunity. I called dh from my Ob/gyn's office, and he agreed to care for me while ringing in the new year. I truly think he much rather take care of me than go out and spend too much money at an overpriced champagne dinner. So, I guess I'll be toasting to good meds and a quick recovery because we're leaving for Vegas on Jan. 2nd!

Decisions, decisions...

It's been awhile, but I've been a little down in the dumps... and busy with work and appointments. I had my pelvic u/s, and once again I did not consume enough water. The 1st u/s I had I was scolded, so this time I made sure I stated drinking my 8 glasses over an hour in advance, and still no dice! So, the u/s didn't do much, but the vag cam showed that my two cysts are still there, and one has grown slightly.

I met with my RE and went over our options; basically there are two - Laparoscopy or leave the cyst and start IUI. He went through the pros and cons of Lap. Lap scares me a bit because there is a chance that the surgeon could damage an ovary. When I asked my RE what the chances are, he said that it happens quite often because the cysts are attached to the ovary and usually rather small. My RE said that if it were him (hahaha) he would leave the cyst be and cycle at least a time or two. His "no lap" stance was based on that likelihood that the cyst is not cancerous (based on blood tests, shape/size, and my age), it is not very large, and Lap could damage my ovary. I have an appointement next week with my ob/gyn to go over the pelvic u/s. My ob/gyn knows about my history of burst cysts, going to the ER, and would be the one performing the laporascopy, so we've decided to wait until after that appointment to make any decisions.

At this point, I really just wish a baby would appear under my tree on Christmas morning... I'm getting sick of all these appointments, and I know it's only the beginning....

                               

He Actually Cares!

Not that I thought he didn't care, but dh isn't one to express his emotions about how IF effects him. Well, today we had yet another birthday party to go to. I have to say, dh is very patient with my large family, fourteen nieces and nephews, and all the events and parties that go along with it. But today wasn't a good day for a party... we just had a less than positive RE appointment, and dh begrudgingly made an appointment with the urologist this week... basically, not a good week.

So, on the way to the party dh expressed how he hated going to these parties because he feels stupid being the only one there w/o a kid. I told him he didn't have to go, but he said that wasn't it, he just felt out of place and sick of being the ones w/o kids. Not that I am at all *happy* that dh feels this way, but it does show he cares. Sometimes I feel like I am the basketcase, and nothing effects him. I guess it's a reminder that he has similar feelings, but is just less likely to express them on a daily basis.
Needless to say, we may be scaling down the # of kids b-day parties we attend in the future.

Random Wednesday

I'm playing off of fellow blogger Lindsey B's Random Wednesday posts. If you're reading this, please feel free to join in the fun. So, here are 8 random facts about me:

1. Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink, and often pick fast food restaurants based on whether they have D.P.
2. I started a worm farm last Spring with a neighbor, and plan on using the good soil I get from it to start my garden in a few months.
3. I've run 3 marathons (N.Y., L.A., and San Diego), and hope to run Chicago someday.
4. My cat, Skooter,  was rescued by my dh, after a dog got loose and killed the rest of the liter.
5. I love to cook, and usually try one new recipe a week.
6. I went to Catholic school for twelve years.
7. I used to coach and perform synchronized swimming.
8. I met my two best girlfriends in the fifth grade.

Cyst, cyst go away...

Update:
I had my RE appointment yesterday and my persistent cyst is still there, after 58 consecutive days of bcp. The next step is to get a pelvic ultrasound to make sure it's not cancerous. The nurse also took a blood test to check for cancer, and will call in a couple days with the results. My RE said he was not too concerned that the cyst is cancerous, given my age and the shape of the cyst, but he wants to rule it out before proceeding with IUI.

I guess the silver lining is that my other ovary is fine. The ultrasound showed multiple eggs on my right ovary. So it looks like I'm outta the game until 2010, unless there's a Christmas miracle... and believe me, I'm not beyond believing in miracles.

We also got the results of Dh's 3rd SA. All his #'s were decent, except motility is at 45%, which is a little low. RE didn't sound too concerned, but did recommend making an appointment with a urologist (for the 3rd time).  Dh has been resisting making the appointment with the urologist, but finally agreed he would go. So... I guess we are making some progress.

A new attitude

It's one week til my next appointment. Until then, I'm determined to be more positive. I've been inside my head lately, and it's been all negative. Lately, my thoughts have ranged from, "We will never have kids, to... Will we even be able to afford children after spending all our savings IF?".
I know I have plenty of things to be happy and thankful about, but lately I've been so wrapped up in my IF thoughts, I don't even think about much else.

I can say, with no hesitation, one thing that is a constant positive in my life is my family. I have a wonderful family - and I'm so grateful for that. I hear a lot about my friends' family drama, and I have a tough time relating.  I love my brothers and sisters, all eleven of them. We actually all get along. My twin sisters, who are closest in age to me, have been extremely supportive of my IF. My sister even researched my current RE through her medical connections, and gave him the green light. We always have each others' back. I love that!

My parents did an amazing job raising a brood of twelve. I don't know how they did it; dad was a teacher and mom was a SAHM. Although most of my younger years were full of hand-me-downs and sharing rooms, I never went without. To this day, my mom, at 79, amazes me. She would drop everything to help babysit my nieces and nephews, and never forgets to send birthday cards to arrive on the day of your birth (or as close as possible). Although I know I will never have nearly as many children as she had; as a mom, I want to be just like her.

Stuck in the Middle

The big question of the week has been, "So, what are you guys doing for Halloween?" We're at the point where we're pretty much done with the bar scene and don't really feel like going to any costume parties this year (I know, we're boring). A couple friends have asked if we want to go along trick-or-treating with them and their kids. No thanks, we made that mistake last year. Don't get me wrong; I love my friends and their kids, but it's just not the same when you have no kids of your own. Last year we went with a few families and their kids around the neighborhood, and it was just a big reminder of what we don't have. I actually felt like a poser when I'd walk up to the door with my friends' kid. This year it's even more difficult because yet another year has gone by... still babyless.
I use to absolutely love Halloween. Now I just feel stuck.

More of the same...

I had RE appt yesterday. My cyst had changed (slightly) but it's still there. RE suggests I stay on bcp for a few more weeks in hopes that it goes away completely. By the time of my next appt., that will be 56 days straight on bcps! I asked RE how long it might take for the cyst to go away completely. He said sometimes it takes 2 months or so. He advised staying on bcp for a few more week as oppposed to looking into lap yet. RE said that there are risks associated with laporascopy (like scarring on the ovary), that could hurt ttc. I really don't need anything else that will hurt my chances of ttc; we've already got my ama and mfi going against us. But i'm starting to feel like I will spend all this time on bcp, and still have to have a lap. To me, the cyst didn't look like it had changed in appearance much, but RE said the make-up of the cyst looked like it had changed. My new plan is to start talking to my cysts. My new mantra, "Sorry cyst, you are not wanted here. Please go away." I really hope this works!

Sick of BCPs!

I'm going on CD37 of BCPs. I know the idea is to get rid of cysts, but come on - 36 days! There were only about 2 days out of the 36 that I didn't have breakthough bleeding, and now I'm getting zits! It's like being back in high school all over again, except for now I have zits and wrinkles. My appts on Friday so I'm really hoping that RE will say, "congrats, cysts have miraculously disappeared!" I'm really hoping I don't need a lap. Let's just get on with it already - I'm so ready to move on to an IUI!

RE seemed so promising...

Less than a month ago, I was so ecstatic to have a new RE who actually seemed to care. He took his to go over all our options and seemed genuine when he said this was "our" journey and we should go at the pace that's right for us. Well, the last appointment had me very confused. RE seemed distracted the whole time and the appointment was very rushed. I asked about DH's SA and my b/w, and he said he'd get back to me tomorrow with the results. I waited. no call. When I called the next day, the receptionist told me he'd call me the next day with the results. Again, NO CALL.  What the hell! I'm so frustrated, because I really don't want to have to wait until the next appt. to get any answers. I also don't want to be the patient that's always bitching and complaining, but seriously, isn't that his job, to call back patients? I really hope he steps it up, or it's back to looking for a new RE...

Some background

Here's the low-down on how we got to this point, still childless. 

1996     - I met DH in college. We were "just friends" for many years
6/04      - DH and I officially began dating
8/5/06   - Our wedding
8/06      - Went off bcp
8/07      - Actively started ttc / using opk
07-08    - I was incredibly busy (and maybe a little stressed) finishing my Master's in Education while working
9/08      - Started charting
2/09      - New GYN and started IF testing
5/09      - Referred to a RE
5/09      - Burst cyst (went to ER) and pelvic exam showing multiple cysts
5/09      - DH dx with low motility
6/09      - HSG - all clear
6/09      - I lost my job along with medical ins.
8/09      - New RE and a plan to start IUIs
9/09      - On BCPs for cysts
10/09    - u/s showed one pesky cyst still lingering, continue bcp

For now it's just dh and I, and our furbabies - Krazy, Scrappy, and Skooter

Naming my blog

My blog name came from one of my favorite movies, "Parenthood". The quote goes like this:

Grandma: You know when I was nineteen, grandpa took me on a roller coaster.


Gil: Oh?


Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh what a ride!


Gil: What a great story (sarcastically).



Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

I often feel that my life is a lot like the roller coaster that Grandma describes. Definitely not the way I planned - a lot of ups and downs - but never boring.
* Photo is from FILs b-day at Knott's Scary Farm (FIL, BILs, DH, and me)*